Now that Mikelle and I are both older—she is approaching forty-two, and I am well into my next chapter—I often look back on the winding path that brought us here. Time has given me the perspective to reflect on what truly made the difference in helping her shape her future. It wasn’t just the therapies, the school meetings, or the programs. It was the daily rhythms of our life together—the habits, expectations, and freedom to try and fail. Her ability to make choices and take ownership, even in the smallest things, sets the foundation for the independent, vibrant life she leads today.
As a young mom, I remember Mikelle’s soft, stretched-out yawns, her gentle infant coos—and the dreaded baby swing that startled her so badly she thought she would fall right out. I recall our many attempts to help her sit independently, and our hopeful efforts to encourage those first little steps, wishing we might avoid a future that included a wheelchair. I still feel the softness of her tiny hands wrapped in mine.
These memories, as delicate as spring flowers, echo in my heart. I heard the squeals of joy as she opened birthday presents she loved. Even in those sweet moments, I wondered: What will become of her as she grows?
Like any parent, I wanted Mikelle to be safe, respected, and happy. But I also knew I couldn’t guarantee those things all the time. What I could do was teach her how to bounce back, how to advocate for herself, and how to expect a good life—not just hope for one.
Instead of shielding our kids in protective bubbles, maybe our real goal is to raise them to recognize right from wrong, to find joy in being part of a community, and to understand the value of productivity and purpose. We all want our children to experience independence—whatever that looks like for them and us.
Growing Into Adulthood Takes Practice
We tend to get what we project and expect. If we focus only on keeping our children safe, we might miss the opportunities for them to grow, stumble, and learn along the way.
Even in the most mundane tasks, there’s a lesson. There’s value in domestic life. (Yes, even the groan-worthy kind.)
Addition doesn’t just happen in math class: it’s in recipes—two cups of milk, one egg, a tablespoon of butter. It’s in nature—three tomatoes on the vine. It’s in time—five days until spring break.
With the right music, even cleaning becomes a dance. If picking up clothes becomes an argument, it’s often easier for us to do it ourselves. But then our kids learn: I don’t have to pick up my clothes because Mom will.
Time Flies—and Grows Us All
Our children won’t be young forever. Mikelle turns thirty-five this June. Thirty-five!
Being domestic prepares us for life. Household chores teach critical thinking, decision-making, and the vital decision-making skill. Someday, your child will choose where to live, what job to pursue, and who to trust as a friend. But only if we let them.
Where—and When—Do I Start?
Start now. Start small. And ask for help.
When Mikelle was a teen, I remember conversing with a well-respected advocate in her thirties, who used a wheelchair. She said something that stuck with me:
“Your job is not to do everything for Mikelle. Your job is to make sure it gets done.”
That became my mantra.
Today, Kari helps Mikelle navigate the neighborhood, connect with community members, and manage everyday tasks. If you need support, bring in reinforcements—a cousin, a friend, a grandparent—who might be more influential in motivating your family member.
And build your H.O.P.E. Team—a circle of helpers, optimists, planners, and encouragers. Use them to brainstorm ways to increase expectations, match chores to personal goals, and help your family member take ownership.
Create a Visual Agreement
Choose three tasks from the list below and make a visual checklist together. Decorate it. Laminate it. Put it on the fridge—whatever works. Stick with it for six weeks. That’s how long it takes for a new habit to form.
Be patient. Celebrate small wins. And remember:
For things to change, we have to change.
24 Ideas to Build Skills, Confidence, and Independence
- Make the bed.
- Put away toys or clothes from the day before.
- Pick out an outfit for the next day.
- Sort and start laundry.
- Fold towels or clothes.
- Take out the trash.
- Put away dishes or sort silverware.
- Sort recycling and take it to the bin.
- Count and track money—are you on budget?
- Wipe down surfaces in the bedroom, kitchen, or living areas.
- Sweep or vacuum.
- Plan the day using a visual schedule (Mikelle uses one).
- Spend an hour on a hobby—bracelet making, photography, dancing.
- Introduce yourself to someone new each day.
- Choose music over screen time.
- Make a grocery list and shop.
- Put groceries away.
- Keep a journal of daily activities or spending.
- Make three weekly goals (ex: go to the park, save money, take a drive).
- Help plan or cook meals.
- Bake treats for community helpers—cookies for firefighters, etc.
- Explore the community; identify volunteer or work opportunities.
- Hand out business cards—Mikelle keeps hers ready in her purse.
- Add your own chore ideas and rotate them weekly for variety.