On Chronic Grieving, Courage, and Living Forward
Let me say this clearly, because it bears repeating—and because it is too often left unsaid.
Disappointment does not mean you failed.
Grief does not mean you are weak.
And fatigue—deep, bone-tired fatigue—is not a personal flaw.
Grief is ever-present in our lives, woven quietly through the days and years, yet rarely acknowledged aloud. It lingers beneath the conversations, the planning meetings, the careful optimism. We carry it while continuing to show up, build, advocate, love, and hope.
These are not signs of fragility. They are the natural companions of commitment. They belong to those who have stayed engaged, borne responsibility, and refused to look away when the work—and the loving—became hard.
For many of us—especially those living, loving, advocating, and building in uncertain systems—grief is not a single event. It is chronic. It returns in waves. It shows up quietly in board meetings, medical appointments, budget spreadsheets, policy hearings, and late-night conversations at the kitchen table.
Chronic grief is what happens when losses accumulate:
- Opportunities that never quite materialize
- Promises made by systems that don’t hold
- Funding that shifts beneath your feet
- Bodies that age or change
- Dreams that must be revised again and again
And yet, the world often expects us to “move on.”
But chronic grief doesn’t work that way.
Grief as a Companion, Not a Problem to Fix
Grief educator and counselor Ken Moses reminds us that grief is not linear, and it is not something to “complete.” Instead, it unfolds in stages that we may revisit many times across a lifetime—especially when grief is ongoing rather than tied to a single loss.
Ken Moses speaks about grief as something we learn to live with, not conquer. His framework helps normalize what so many people feel but rarely name.
While his stages are not rigid steps, they often include:
- Shock and Disorientation – That numb, suspended feeling when reality doesn’t match expectation.
- Pain and Emotional Turbulence – Sadness, anger, fear, envy, exhaustion—often all at once.
- Searching and Meaning-Making – Asking why, replaying decisions, imagining alternatives.
- Reorganization – Slowly adapting, not because the loss is resolved, but because life continues.
- Integration – Carrying grief forward as part of who you are, not all that you are.
With chronic grief, these stages don’t end. They cycle. And that cycling is not a sign you’re stuck—it’s a sign you’re human.
Allow Yourself To Feel What Is True
Before transformation comes permission.
Allow yourself to:
- Name what hurts, without minimizing it.
- Acknowledge what didn’t turn out as hoped, even if others “don’t get it.”
- Sit with frustration and sorrow, instead of rushing past them to appear resilient.
This is not indulgence.
This is emotional honesty.
Chronic grieving asks us to slow down long enough to listen to what our disappointment is trying to say.
The Question That Changes Everything
Then—when you’re ready, not before—ask a different question:
“What is this disappointment inviting me to do differently?”
Not:
- How do I fix this quickly?
- How do I make it look better?
- How do I pretend it didn’t hurt?
But:
- What truth is being revealed?
- What boundary needs strengthening?
- What support is missing?
- What creative path hasn’t been explored yet?
Grief, when listened to, becomes a teacher.
Transformation Without Erasure
Transformation does not require erasing what you’ve lost.
It asks instead:
- How do I live with this reality and still move forward?
- How do I honor what mattered while making room for what’s next?
- How do I protect my mission without sacrificing my well-being?
For those committed to meaningful, inclusive lives in community, chronic grief often sharpens—not dulls—our vision. It deepens compassion. It clarifies priorities. It strips away the performative and leaves the essential.
Carrying Grief Forward—Together
Ken Moses reminds us that grief is lighter when it is shared. Chronic grieving especially requires:
- Trusted companions who understand the long arc of loss
- Communities that make space for complexity
- Advisors and allies who don’t rush us toward solutions
You do not need to grieve quietly to be strong.
A Gentle Closing
If you are carrying chronic grief into this season, know this:
You are not broken.
You are not behind.
You are not failing.
You are living honestly in a complicated world.
And when you listen—truly listen—to your grief, it does not diminish your future.
It shapes it with depth, integrity, and purpose.
Transformation doesn’t come from bypassing pain.
It comes from honoring it—and letting it sharpen our vision for what still matters.